Newly released Star Trek film accomplishes the impossible and sets a new bar

By Joshua Tyler | Published 7 seconds ago

Star Trek: Section 31 begins when a Spitwad crosses the screen and traces the shape of the Starfleet logo. I would later learn that this Spitwad was the hero ship of the show.

The film takes place in a flashback, in which we are introduced to a girl who is worse than Hitler. She murders her entire family in preparation for a job promotion where she will spend decades committing galactic genocide and torturing the man she loves for fun.

“I’m the only one I could never defeat.” -Philippa Georgiou

This space Hitler is called Philippa Georgiou (Michelle Yeoh), and the film flashes to a gift where she directs a floating space bar. We’re reintroduced to her as the film plays Chick Rock Badass music to introduce the audience into the idea that we’re supposed to think she’s really, really great.

Then Georgiou pops a human eyeball into her mouth and savors the taste as the music swells and the camera swirls around her in adoration. Yes, the idea of Star Trek: Section 31 Sell ​​the idea that cannibalistic mass murder is super cool if she does it in high heels! That’s the whole premise of this movie. Hooray for space Hitler!

This is not an exaggeration. This is not hyperbole. This glorification of atrocities is the CBS film intentionally released under the Star Trek brand on Paramount+.

To make their celebration of genocide happen, Paramount took on an unpopular and totally evil character Star Trek: Discoverythe most underrated Star Trek series of all time, and gave it a feature film.

Why did this happen? How did this happen? If this story is ever told, it will be more interesting than anything in this movie.

We are soon introduced to the rest of the Star Trek: Section 31 Cast, a spy team working for Section 31 of the Secret Black Ops organization. Section 31 of the organization was first created on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine As something to be hated, not glorified, and it was never something most backpacking fans wanted anymore. So, it’s fitting that Section 31 would be the main motivator for a movie that was transformed from a show that no one liked with a character that no one wanted to see anymore.

The Super Cool Section 31 spy team engages in introductions by shouting at each other, making threats, and posing for the camera. Like Georgiou, they are also primarily serial killers, and they are all pretty upset that they aren’t able to kill more.

Georgiou joins the Section 31 team for reasons and they started doing something for other reasons. That’s already more of an explanation than this film gave me.

Luckily, this do-one-thing mission takes place in the same spacebar they’re already in. CBS didn’t need to build any more sets for their heist. What a financially fortuitous coincidence.

The critical mission to get something for reasons is interrupted by the surprise appearance of snake eyes from the GI Joe franchise. Or maybe he’s a space ninja. It’s probably just a ninja surprise space. Gi Joe would never associate himself with this.

At this point, we’re 30 minutes into the movie, and it hasn’t changed the location of the set of fancy spacebars where it all started.

Get ready because the whole thing is about to change. The audience is introduced to a new location. It’s a desert with flame throwers randomly coming out of the ground. Our team is having a meeting there. Why they chose such an inhospitable location is completely unknown.

Their meeting ends and we enter their ship for the first time. This is the Spitwad from the film’s opening logo sequence. Hooray, a third location.

This location is used when talking to a man tied to a chair because, of course, there is someone tied to a chair. The scene occurs on the deck of their ship, and you can’t see much of it besides a few background office chairs.

Five minutes later, the ship you can’t really see anyway explodes, and we’re back in the desert. Deserts are best when you’re running on a budget.

Luckily, one of our characters announces that she knows of an old ship in the desert – a ship that’s just there for reasons. So they walk to the ship, which they find in the woods.

In the woods. A woods around a desert on a place they repeatedly describe as a “dead planet.” Continue.

From there, the desert is never seen or mentioned again, and everything takes place in the woods. Even the locations they previously visited in the desert are now in the woods as well.

Luckily, there are flamethrowers sticking out of the ground in the woods, so the audience always knows where they are. The flamethrowers don’t seem to bother the trees.

There’s a confusing fight in front of a bad green screen rendering of a blurry tunnel. A murder mystery that doesn’t care. A robot is incapacitated while kneeling in the crotch.

Star Trek: Section 31 Ends when Phillipa Georgiou genocide an entire universe suspected of possible wrongdoing, then tells her team she’ll probably kill them later.

They all have a good laugh about their future homicides, and then Jamie Lee Curtis comes out from a table in the movie’s fancy bar to give them their next mission.

If you still have doubts about the quality of Star Trek: Section 31 As you write, please enjoy this actual line of dialogue from the film: “She died as she lived. You know what I mean by that.

Star Trek: Section 31 is one of the worst ideas anyone has ever had, and it’s one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. It was executed by a team of people who don’t know what a movie is and performed by actors who know nothing about action.

This has nothing to do with Star Trek. There’s nothing Star Trek about it. Nothing in it feels like Star Trek, Star Trek things aren’t referenced or mentioned, and it’s nothing like anything in any other part of Star Trek (thank goodness). Someone wrote a horrible, horrible Suicide Squad/ /Guardians of the Galaxy Ripoff Mashup then slapped the Star Trek name on it in hopes of getting people to give them money.

Star Trek: Section 31 accomplished the impossible. It’s the worst thing Star Trek has ever produced and also one of the worst things to appear on any screen, anywhere. Is it possible for a movie to be bad? This one is, and if Paramount has any sense of shame or decency, it will now do the entire company and its assets bidding to the lowest bidder.

OUR GIANT Weirdness ROBOT The review system operates on a scale of one to five stars. Our rating system does not go below one star. So I give Star Trek: Section 31 zero stars.

Star Trek: Section 31 Review Score