By Robert Scucci | Published
The term “direct-to-video” is usually associated with low-budget projects that were unable to achieve a wide theatrical release. More often than not, this is the correct logic to follow. However, there is a movie from 1996 that defies all logic called Theodore Rex – a $33.5 million buddy-cop sci-fi film starring Whoopi Goldberg and the film’s eponymous anthropomorphic dinosaur, played with a little too much enthusiasm by George Newbern (Father of the bride).
While I’m usually a big fan of titles that are “so bad they’re good”, Theodore Rex is one of those films that will baffle me until I’m on my deathbed. Additionally, I feel like New Line Cinema is aware of this fact, which is why you can’t find this movie on any streaming platforms as of this writing.
Futuristic Dino Detectives?
Theodore Rex don’t waste time insulting your intelligence with a Star Wars style exposition scroll at the start of the movie telling you everything you need to know:
There’s a clumsy but lovable dinosaur named Theodore Rex who wants to be a detective, a disgraced and brutal futuristic cop named Katie Coltrane (Whoopie Goldberg) who is tasked with solving a murder case with said dinosaur against his will in order to restore his badge, and a crime scene involving a dead dinosaur that leads to a big conspiracy surrounding an evil billionaire named Elizar Kane (Armin Mueller-Stahl) who wants to use the fish’s DNA to usher in a new ice age for… reasons.
Confusing character design
The most frustrating part of Theodore Rex is his character design. I’ll be the first to admit that walking, talking dinosaur puppets are perfect for a lighthearted mid-90s movie, regardless of the genre of movie, but their personalities make absolutely no sense and seem like they were created for the movie. with the sole purpose of making the audience in front of the screen laugh and say “haha, that’s so random!”
For example, Theodore Rex has an automated cookie launcher in his furnished penthouse for when he wants a snack. Let’s unpack that for a moment, because our dinosaur-detective hero is at the bottom of the totem pole in his PR career, and only aspire being a cop in the first act.
How can Theodore Rex afford this lifestyle and why does he love cookies so much?
What’s he doing besides having a seemingly endless supply of white chocolate macadamia nut cookies on hand in an apartment so huge that even Frasier Crane would be jealous of his living situation? Was the cookie shooter custom built? At least we know his massive tailgate was purchased with taxpayer money, but I have no compelling reason to believe Theodore Rex has money for cookie shooters, whatever the sense of imagination.
Also, Theodore, as well as the rest of the dinosaurs who were integrated into society after being created by the wicked, have all decided to no longer be carnivores, for reasons never fully explained. If I had to guess, this feature was created for the sole purpose of making the dinosaurs in this universe a little more original.
Whoopi Goldberg didn’t want to be there
In a 2015 interview with Folha de S. Paulo, Whoopi Goldberg didn’t mince words when she said she didn’t want to star in Theodore Rex. In fact, producer Richard Gilbert Abramson filed a $20 million lawsuit against Goldberg when she attempted to walk away from producing the film after allegedly entering into a verbal agreement to play Katie Coltrane in 1992. being settled out of court, Goldberg reluctantly agreed to move. moving forward with the project, but his disdain is apparent in every frame.
There is not a single punchline in Theodore Rex it’s not accompanied by a look of apprehension on Goldberg’s face, as if to say, “I can’t believe I’m saying these words out loud.” » It’s also not revealed until the third act that Katie Coltrane is part cyborg, which doesn’t benefit the plot in any way other than it explains why she walks around with so little enthusiasm. – like a drugged cat following a laser pointer – for most of the film. Part of me wonders if this revelation was simply added to the script to explain the soullessness of Goldberg’s movements and delivery of lines.
Whoopi Goldberg received $7 million to star in Theodore Rex.
It’s okay if you want to pass this one on
Theodore Rex is not available for streaming anywhere, which probably benefits humanity. Humanity is overstimulated by endless technological innovations, multiple wars, economic distress, famine, corruption, advertising, get-rich-quick schemes, and a sense of political division that will likely worsen before things aren’t getting better. For most people, sitting down to watch Theodore Rex as a way to escape the horrors of modern life is perhaps what pushes them over the edge.
As I lament the 92 minutes of my time that I devoted to Theodore Rexall hope is not lost. I watched this movie so you don’t have to. But if you’re a glutton for punishment, you can probably find every copy of this movie at the bottom of a decades-old tar pit where they belong.
